Long Nights and Sleepy Days

As Eian’s first birthday approaches, I have to reflect on the journey we’ve all taken over the last year.  I remember this time last year, the waiting.  It reminded me of waiting for my first semester of college, knowing that things were ending and not sure I was ready for the beginning of a new chapter.  Even if it’s not the politically-correct thing to say, I actually dreaded Eian’s birth.  I felt like everything I loved would be taken away - no more time for movies or reading or sewing.  I figured every moment would be spent in his company.  And I was sure he’d scream all the time.  In a way, I’m glad for all this negativity because it helped prepare me for the hell of colic, but in other ways, my imagining of new parenthood was far from accurate.

The first month was like a dream, maybe partly because of the sleep deprivation.  I remember cycles of feeding and sleeping, lingering pain from his birth, and just how surreal it felt to hold a tiny human that was half me.  I didn’t bond with him right away.  At first, I looked at him simply as an endurance test and tried to take it a day at a time.  At first, in those weeks, I loved him because I had to.  I worried constantly about whether he had enough to eat or if the jaundice was gone.  And then there was the hormonal stuff.  I am an extremely even-keeled person, but I would burst into tears over the mysterious workings of the diaper genie.  I remember soaking my aching body in the bathtub and thinking of what it would be like just to slip beneath the surface of the water.  Of course, I banished the thought immediately, but I was stunned that it had ever entered my mind.  I am so grateful to my mom and Magnus for getting me through that time.

Then, after a couple of months, things began to change.  Eian still screamed all the time, and he was still a lot of work.  But something shifted, and I became more myself than I had been before his birth.  It seems trite to say that life actually began then, but in some ways, it really did.  I started writing again.  I took pictures of him and wrote in his baby book.  I went to movies with my sister and read books and magazines.  Life went on, and it went on in a more meaningful, better way.

How did having children change your outlook on life?

My mom said that the biggest shock she had about being a new mom was that the baby didn’t seem to understand when she was sick. You can be coughing, sneezing, running a fever, even throwing up, and the baby still wakes up in the night and needs your attention. In fact, if the baby is sick too, then you’re in real trouble.

When I worked outside the home, I was usually loathe to call in sick. I’d have to be pretty ill to make that call. But sometime I did. And then I’d just stay home and wallow in my illness, make myself some tea, stretch out on the couch, and spend the whole day sleeping or watching movies. As with so many pre-baby things, those days are gone.

What are some ways to take care of yourself when you and the baby are both sick?  Well, the first thing you can do is revert back to the days when you had a newborn.  Remember the old adage, “Sleep when the baby sleeps”?  Do that.  Don’t worry about your house or the meals.  Raid your freezer or order a pizza.  Let the dishes pile up or get your husband to do them.  Try to carve out as much time as you can for yourself.

Also, try to take care of your own needs.  Drink liquids.  Take your vitamins.  Eat as well as your freezer or take-out menu allow.  Accept offers of help.  This is the time to appreciate your neighbors when they plow your driveway.  Just wait to make them cookies until you aren’t contagious anymore!

If all else fails (and it might), just take it a day at a time.  In a week or so, everyone will be feeling better, and you’ll have a chance to catch up on that mountain of laundry.

I remember when I used to fly alone for a weekend to visit my parents in Michigan. I’d pack all my clothes in a rolling carry-on, toss some magazines and gum in the front pocket, dress up a little bit because I’m old-fashioned, and head off to the airport feeling confident and grown-up. I’d shop for a while in the airport, sit at the gate reading my magazine, and have a Coke on the plane.

That all changed when I started flying with Eian. The hour-long flight to Traverse City suddenly seemed like days of travel. When we landed the first time, I felt like we should have been in Europe. Everything about that trip was a dramatic change from pre-baby travel. First, I had to pack two large suitcases for a week-long trip. It’s amazing how much stuff babies need. I didn’t dress up at all either. I wore a pair of old cargo pants because pockets are good when you only have the use of one hand. When we got to the airport, I paced with Eian in the front pack. He wouldn’t let me site down even for a minute, let alone read a magazine or eat something. On the plane, I frantically went through all 5 S’s from The Happiest Baby on the Block (which, incidentally, has saved my life on many occasions). I had no time for a Coke. When we landed, my hair was coming out of a ponytail, my baby was barely holding it together, and I was covered in spit-up.

Traveling with a baby can be a really challenging experience, even for the most prepared parent. As I get ready to go on yet another Michigan trip with Eian, here is what I have for advice:

• If in doubt, pack it. Gone are the days of packing in a carry-on or traveling with a lightly-loaded car. If it might keep your baby happy on the road, it has a right to be there.
• Take deep breaths. When your baby is screaming in the car or twisting out of your grasp on the airplane, try to keep yourself calm by taking a few deep breaths.
• Make lists. Make several lists before leaving. Use them to avoid forgetting anything important like your baby’s medicine or a swaddling blanket.
• Don’t compare. Despite my tirade above, don’t compare post-baby travel to pre-baby travel. It will just make you sad or frustrated. Now is now, and you don’t really want to go back.
• Take snacks. Keep your baby happy (if he’s eating people food) by giving him little snacks every now and then. Nothing turns a mood around like some Cheerios.

I often struggle with the question of how much parents should interact with their children during the day.  I love playing with Eian, but there are a lot of aspects of motherhood that are downright tedious.

According to The Mother’s Almanac, a somewhat dated but super-reassuring parenting book, you should spend at least five minutes of quality time with your child for every half hour they are awake.  The rest of the time, it’s good to let them explore on their own.  In Your Baby’s First Year, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that you get down on the floor with your child at least one time each day.  So that’s what the experts say, but what is really the right thing to do?

I’ve found so far that being a mom is all about following your instincts.  One of the ways I do that is to interact with Eian when I feel he needs it.  It makes sense that no guideline for intensive interaction would be right for all children.  From what I’ve seen, there are very few hard and fast rules that hold true for all babies.  And even a single child will vary in his needs from day to day.  I guess it all just comes back to instincts.

How often do you interact with your child during the day?

This is Eian’s first Christmas, and we put our tree up yesterday.  So far, he doesn’t seem all that impressed.  This morning, he started crawling toward the tree, and I ran over there right away.  Turns out he was just after the cat.  Later, he reached up to touch the tree, but he made a face and drew back when he felt the needles.

The Pope actually said something quoteworthy yesterday.  This is what he had to say about consumerism at Christmas:  “adolescents, youths and even children are easy victims of the corruption of love, deceived by unscrupulous adults who, lying to themselves and to them, draw them into the dead-end streets of consumerism.”

As I get ready to buy my Christmas gifts for Eian, I have to wonder if I’m doing the right thing.  It’s more for me than for him right now.  I want the Stride to Ride Lion.  I want the adorable dark wash jeans.  And really it’s me who is sick of reading the same 30 board books over and over.  What would actually make Eian happy this Christmas?  Excitement and a fun experience, most likely the cat.

It’s hard to separate consumerism from Christmas, and I hate to say that I’m not sure I want to.   It’s like Christmas cookies (another way to consume).  I know I shouldn’t eat 8 of them at a sitting, but I do it anyway.  Is that wrong?  Yeah, maybe, but I’m not likely to stop.  I have so many magical memories of Christmas as a child.   They don’t actually involve what I received, but they do involve the sudden wonder of seeing a previously vacant tree skirt overflowing with gifts.  I want that magic for him too.  But I also want to be responsible.

How do you handle Christmas and consumerism with your child?

As soon as I got pregnant and started reading pregnancy books and magazines, I realized that our generation of parents in unique in its anxiety.  Sure, parents have always worried about their children.  I know my grandmother is still kicking herself for the time she let my infant dad fall off the bed.  My parents still worry about us.  And yet, there’s something different about this current generation of parents.

Maybe it’s the availability of information.  We have access to scary information in a way that no generation before us has.  If we worry about the safety record of a particular toy or the chance of allergies with a particular food, the information we need is at our fingertips.  It seems like the anxiety goes beyond information availability, though.  All you have to do is pick up a copy of “Parenting” or “Parents” or “American Baby” (all great magazines that I devour in a matter of days) to realize that this sense of anxiety is pervasive.  This month’s “Parenting,” for instance, contains an article on holiday safety with a special section on “Troubleshooting new toys.”  The article cautions that pull toys with a cord longer than 12 inches are a strangulation hazard, board books can cut a baby’s tongue or poke an eye, and stuffed animals can cause SIDS.  Ack.

All of this information is likely very accurate.  Sure, your baby could poke his eye with a book.  But he’s not going to poke his eye out.  He could cut his tongue, but I’ve never heard of a baby severing his tongue with a book.  This anxiety-loaded parenting culture is hard to deal with, especially if, like me, you tend to be anxious anyway.  But beyond that, what is it teaching our kids?  You can’t read a book without Mommy watching.  Don’t hang yourself with the cord on your play telephone.  You have to wear a bathing suit that covers your entire body to avoid sun exposure.  It goes on and on.  Before they can even talk, our kids are inundated with worry.

Yet, I don’t feel Eian with Lexan baby bottles.  I try to buy organic food.  I check his toys for lead recalls.  I was a back-to-sleep Nazi.  Our culture tells us that neglecting parenting advice like this is tantamount to leaving your child by the roadside.  I struggle every day with finding the right level of protectiveness.

I used to marvel at how static my personality was.  As a child, I used to crawl into a crevice of the school building and watch the other kids chase each other on the playground.  I would sit on the blacktop and play with my My Little Ponies and make up stories about myself in the third person.  In a lot of ways, I’m still really that little girl.  I watch, rather than participate in group activities.  I still hear my own voice constantly in my head (though not usually in the third person anymore).  Up until recently, I thought that the basic fabric of my personality would never change.

I’m stunned by the impact motherhood has had on my sense of myself.  Despite the fact that I broke down and got an epidural during Eian’s delivery, I see myself as physically much stronger than I once was.  I see myself as a woman instead of a girl.  And that definition really goes beyond the physical.  Being a mom has made me feel confident and capable in a way I don’t think I ever really did before.

How has motherhood changed you?  Or do you feel pretty much the same?

It seems like there’s no better gift for grandparents or dad than a hand-made craft featuring your baby. But babies are notoriously uncooperative when it comes to sitting still for a silhouette or being helpful when making cookies or jam. Baby crafts need to be simple and fun and FAST.

The trick to getting your baby to cooperate is finding the perfect time of day. Your baby must be well-rested and not hungry or fractious. If you have a moment like this (good luck), check out some of these holiday craft ideas:

Baby Footprint Wrapping Paper

I confess: I’m big into the wrapping paper theme thing. Last year, pre-Eian, my theme was snow flakes with silver and blue. The year before, it was old-fashioned prints on craft paper with red and green velvet ribbon. This year, like everything else in our lives, the theme is related to Eian. I’m planning to unroll inexpensive white or brown wrapping paper on my kitchen floor. Then, using non-toxic, washable paints, I will use Eian as a human rubber stamp. My ideal image of the outcome is red and green baby footprints all over the white wrapping paper. However, if I’ve learned nothing else this year, it’s that when you plan something involving a baby, it rarely turns out exactly as you imagine.

Framed Baby Handprint

Crayola makes this awesome modeling clay for kids. It’s non-toxic, and it’s really easy to mix colors. To do this craft, combine the colors of clay you need to make the desired end result. For Eian, we did kind of a turquoise blue to go with his room. Then firmly press your child’s hand into the clay. Allow the clay to dry, and frame it in a shadow box. Voila! Instant tears of joy from Grandma!

Okay, so yesterday I talked about some of the best things about being a mom, but there also times when being a mom is downright disgusting.  Do not continue reading if you are easily grossed out by baby snot or if you happen to be pregnant and queasy.

Eian has a cold, and while most of the worst of it (fever, fussiness, waking seven times per night) is over, he’s still really snotty.  I was feeding him one of his favorite foods:  pureed avocado and yellow squash.  The avocado really takes over the color of this baby food, making it mostly a bright green.  Anyway, he had a mouth full of avocado and sneezed.  In less than two seconds, he went from cute baby eating to horrible, disgusting baby covered in green slime.  To make matters worse, he actually did sneeze out a long ribbon of snot.  Good times.

It’s these moments, the times when most non-mother people would just leave the little ogre by the roadside, that I really understand the bonds of motherhood.  This relationship is different than anything else I’ve ever experienced.  Sure, I love my husband.  But if he peed in my mouth, I’d be more than a little ticked off.  When Eian did it, I just spit into the Diaper Genie, cracked up, and went on changing the diaper.  A few years ago, heck, even a few months ago, I never would have imagined that I could handle this kind of thing.  It seems like, as a mom, you continually give yourself to your child, but even at the most disgusting moments, you really get something amazing in return.  You learn about your own incredible strength.  And as my grandmother has always said, “You might as well laugh as cry.”  Not that I haven’t done both in the course of five minutes - especially postpartum.